No Disk

My DVD player quit– less than 6 months old and doesn’t work. It’s a reputable brand and played great for a while. Then a few problems came up, but it didn’t seem remarkable. Now that I look back on it, I can see the progression…

Shutting off occasionally,  a loud crackle shot through the RV speakers. Silence. I’d turn it off and back on. That worked a while. When that quit working, I found I could nurse it along by unplugging it and letting it sit for a while. Reboot. That no longer works.

Now it just refuses to play at all. NO DISK.

Sounds like an addict, doesn’t it? Maybe only to another addict, but it sounds familiar to me.

My alcohol addiction started harmlessly enough. No one suspected except me. I used to laugh at people who said they didn’t drink for the effect. They either were liars or they were normies, I would guess. I never drank socially and enjoyed it. I could drink socially, alright and be dissatisfied; or I could drink quickly and heavily and enjoy it. One or the other.

I drank because I didn’t feel alright. I had no idea how ‘not OK’ I really felt. No wonder. I consumed a bottle of wine a day. I was putting a lot of time and money into numbing myself.

At first, I only had occasional symptoms and like my DVD player, I would hiccup and stall out. The next day I would be working fine again. No one noticed, certainly not me.

I started taking weekends to really enjoy drinking. I stopped answering the phone when I was in the bottle. Thank goodness for caller ID. I could get back to them. Later. Mondays were reboot time.

Then I started retreating, regularly. Escape was essential. I just wanted to run away. I wanted a new life elsewhere: in another town, another state, another lifetime. Unplug myself. I couldn’t numb enough to feel better. Eventually, the numbing became as helpful as the unplugging of my DVD player

Non-addicts ask why we do this to ourselves. What causes such craziness?

It’s my observation from being in recovery for a few years that most people, from the unemployed to CEO’s, drink or use drugs because they don’t feel right.

In my case, I drank excessively because with the aid of Merlot, I fell into that place where the pain faded, the issues shriveled and I felt OK. Feeling OK was what I wanted. I said I drank because I liked the taste. I did like it. (I also like water, but I don’t drink a case of it in a weekend.) In all honesty, I drank because I liked what alcohol did for me. It held reality at bay for a while. It made me feel OK.

The problem with feeling OK only while being in an altered state is that it’s dysfunctional. It’s broken. NO DISK.

PS: What do you think causes such craziness?