Victim Veins

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I see the bloody gap in your vein and hear your tears as you suffer another wound. I want to close this seeping gash…let you heal.

But no.

You pull yourself away from me. Return to the scene. You have more to give, always more.

Countless scars barely scabbed will be scraped open again.

You call it love.

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So I stare at the cell phone and beg God to take over. He will. I’m struck by how this scene has illustrated God’s Megaphone, the post I was reading when you called.

But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. ~ C.S. Lewis

I don’t believe in coincidence anymore, nor in luck. Veins of victims are bleeding. I shelve my take-charge personality and my know-best mentality so that He can do the real work of healing. Done playing God for today.

Whether my focus is the alcoholic or the *Normie, the following words are true:

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. ~ AA p 95

This is the hard truth of recovery. I cannot give recovery, I can only point to the way that God brought peace and usefulness into my crazy life. I can’t rescue. I can pray. I will be a friend.

Each day somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength and hope. ~xxii forward to the Third Addition of AA

My friend will return to the victim position in this abusive relationship until she hears God or until there’s nothing soft inside that is left to listen. Her heart may become hardened till all she can hear is the voice of untruth. I understand.

I lost 13 years that way. Truth was spoken but the doors to my heart were slammed shut by the force of pride and a determination to make things work my way, living my life on my terms.

Looking back I can see that God gave me frequent opportunities for escape and plenty of reality checks, but I refused. The result was that I lived in the circular and tumultuous life of abuse.

Did I volunteer for abuse? Not initially. I know I was truly a victim for a while. In retrospect I see that God did try to rescue me but pride and ignorance kept me there. I hate to admit it but at various intervals this volunteer for abuse re-enlisted. I’m so thankful that finally, after enough screaming pain, I listened to God and stopped trying to make life work according to Heidi.

*Normie = one who does not have an addictive personality